You know what’s funny, men do this all the time, cheat on a “good women”, and it’s sort of normalized and expected of them to do so, but the weight is put on the woman , they’re told to wear sexier lingerie, be a black cat, be more submissive etc. the whole time there’s just a misalignment. The guy cheated to end the relationship. But when its the other way around, for us women, we endure quietly so as to not seem ungrateful afterall u should be lucky to have a decent men in this day and age
Yes. Exactly this. And you said it way plainer than people are comfortable with.
Men cheat on “good women” all the time and it’s framed as almost inevitable. Like, of course he did, something was missing. Then the work somehow shifts to the woman. Do this. Do that. Fix yourself so he doesn’t leave again.
When in reality… he cheated because he didn’t want to be there anymore.
It’s an exit.
But when women feel that same misalignment, we’re taught to swallow it. To be grateful. To endure quietly. To tell ourselves we’re lucky to have a decent man “in this day and age,” as if desire is a luxury we’re not allowed to ask for.
So men blow things up and call it honesty. Women sit in discomfort and call it maturity.
It also turns into "something is wrong with me." I'm not able to desire that person enough, but what if my entire desiring system is off? What if I'm not able to love enough, or I have some dopamine imbalance?
Oof. Did I just watch my own therapy session? The part that gets me is how small we make ourselves to simply not allow ourselves to be big enough to walk away.
I’m not saying it’s trauma because it doesn’t click. You are stating that you recognize safety and security in someone and don’t feel attracted to it. It’s so painful you’d rather them cheat on you then admit your numb to the safety they offer. That’s the nuance. That’s the trauma.
Damn, a few years ago I entered a relationship with a man whom I didn’t love and wasn’t attracted to. I was younger and inexperienced and didn’t fully understand what I wanted from a relationship and a man. Every word you wrote here made me reminisce my thoughts from that time. He was a sweet, gentle man, with manners and a good family even. He wasn’t the jealous type, he never wanted to control any choice I made, we travelled together, cooked together. Despite everything, I knew at the bottom of my heart that I couldn’t love this man the way he deserved. I started to hope that he finds somebody else, that he falls in love irrevocably and decides to leave me. I would’ve been so at peace with that, I would’ve just wished him to have the best possible life, only if he could just do something wrong so that I can have an excuse for my lack of assertiveness. It took a long time for me to understand that incompatibility is a good enough reason to end a relationship and sometimes I think about how much time I’ve lost the both of us.
whoa this is such a good read … and i relate so deeply to this — it’s nice to have someone that treats you like a princess, but it’s not meant to be yours if the connection (or chemistry) isn’t there. so people may try to find loopholes or excuses to justify getting out of the relationship, which is quite heartbreaking. it’s either you lean on that person who doesn’t give you butterflies and risk never finding someone who truly TRULY vibes with you, or leaving your safety partner and never managing to find someone better out there. there’s so much that stands to be lost in situations like these ☹️
The mature thing to do is be honest & say it’s not him. It’s you. The immature thing is to play with his feelings & continue leading him on waiting for the chance to blame him rather than just acknowledging the fact that he’s not for you. Don’t waste his time, someone out dere would enjoy his character, it’s not that deep, different animals different interest.
this isn’t about what’s mature and what’s immature. this piece was more about why people hesitate to admit that truth in the first place. admitting that “it’s just not for me” comes with way more judgment than it should
& an immature person gives a wee woo about external judgment where as a mature person doesn’t give wee woo about other peoples opinions because they do what’s right and what’s best for themselves.
I understand what you’re saying. I just don’t agree that struggling with judgment equals immaturity. This is about how social narratives shape how hard honesty feels, not about people lacking character
Social narrative is external, the insecure & immature care about the external factors. In truth people respect what’s real, That’s part of maturity. When you get out of your feelings & into your logic, you realise people’s opinions don’t actually mean nothing when you know what your doing is the right thing to do, or it’s purposeful. everyone had an opinion about airplanes in the begging, about making millions from
Screens, about flat screens in the first instance but now look at the phone in your hand..when you’re moving with hard focus & intention & intensity, the real ones see it & respect it, the immature will gossip because that’s what negative people with no heading do. They care about other people’s lives as opposed to being concerned about their own…in truth if something isn’t appreciating your life it’s depreciating your value…you write about wanting an escape route & for blame to fall on his” shoulders, when in reality it should just be a simple decision. Staying with the wrong person is a waste of time…time isn’t infinite & the longer you’re in the wrong place or job or relationship the longer it’s going to for you to get into the right one. Mature people move swift & concise the immature waste so much time being petty & playing games, the grown version of everyone moves with intent & assertiveness..as in; I got do what I gotta do Cus I gotta get me were I gotta go & if it’s slowing me down then I need to make a swift decision. Cus my time & my energy is precious…
This tension is real, and it’s rarely talked about honestly. Leaving someone who treats you well but doesn’t move you asks for a kind of courage that doesn’t come with social permission or neat explanations. There’s a quiet guilt in that space, especially for women, where desire is expected to be justified by wrongdoing. Naming the difference between being cared for and being chosen back feels uncomfortable because it asks us to trust ourselves without external validation. That’s a hard place to stand, but a necessary one.
Just be an adult and end it. The basis you have is kinda messed up and at the end of the day it’s about being a decent human being and if the chemistry is not there it isn’t. You can do whatever you want obviously but I think you wanting them to cheat so you have an easy justified out is concerning. You are wholly within your right to let them know you just don’t feel it with them and if anyone asked the truth should be enough for them with out having to embellish or wish for the heartache that comes with someone breaking your trust and treating your you as something that is replaceable. I just feel that you make a very good point and it’s incredibly deep and an exercise so many of us men and women do or at least flirt with that thought process. Because no one wants to be the bad right
? Though I will say this men and women cheat for what ever reasons to say men cheat it’s inevitable is a little extreme because all in all crappy people with crappy morals ethics and crappy personality’s cheat, but what do I know I’m a man and probably should not have voiced my opinion on the matter I apologize for bothering the comments section.
I want to know that it’s okay to feel this without this being a trauma response, I feel exactly what you have mentioned too, but it’s so hard to know if it’s trauma or this just isn’t it.
You know what’s funny, men do this all the time, cheat on a “good women”, and it’s sort of normalized and expected of them to do so, but the weight is put on the woman , they’re told to wear sexier lingerie, be a black cat, be more submissive etc. the whole time there’s just a misalignment. The guy cheated to end the relationship. But when its the other way around, for us women, we endure quietly so as to not seem ungrateful afterall u should be lucky to have a decent men in this day and age
Yes. Exactly this. And you said it way plainer than people are comfortable with.
Men cheat on “good women” all the time and it’s framed as almost inevitable. Like, of course he did, something was missing. Then the work somehow shifts to the woman. Do this. Do that. Fix yourself so he doesn’t leave again.
When in reality… he cheated because he didn’t want to be there anymore.
It’s an exit.
But when women feel that same misalignment, we’re taught to swallow it. To be grateful. To endure quietly. To tell ourselves we’re lucky to have a decent man “in this day and age,” as if desire is a luxury we’re not allowed to ask for.
So men blow things up and call it honesty. Women sit in discomfort and call it maturity.
The double standard is craaazy
This is so spot on and i believe people should learn to just leave and not stay to be nice or what not.
Noy always...
There’s a reason betrayal is easier to talk about than this.
A villain gives us a beginning, a middle, and an ending we can name and grief we know how to hold.
But when someone is simply too good at loving, and not right for you, we lose not just the person, but the story we’re allowed to tell.
That silence between “he’s wonderful” and “it’s not enough”…
is where most people never learn the vocabulary.
Here you gave it words, and that alone makes this felt.
-Double🆔️
Yes. Betrayal gives you a clean storyline. This is just confusing and lonely and no one really knows what to say back to you
Am I first comment?
u are!!
You pray for a wound just to prove you are allowed to bleed.
He offers you a homeland of silk, but you are starving for the storm.
Do not apologize for refusing a peace that feels like a prison.
To stay out of pity is to occupy a city you do not intend to live in.
Pack your truth and go.
It is better to be the villain in his story than a ghost in your own.
- thank you for the read… what a title. What an experience. All the love.
This is so unbelievably real. I never thought it could be put into words, and thought I was the only one feeling it. Thank you!
Same. I didn’t realize how many people felt this way until I spoke to my friends about it while I wrote it
It also turns into "something is wrong with me." I'm not able to desire that person enough, but what if my entire desiring system is off? What if I'm not able to love enough, or I have some dopamine imbalance?
I get that, but I try not to pathologize desire. I don’t think not wanting someone means your whole system is broken, sometimes it’s just misalignment
Oof. Did I just watch my own therapy session? The part that gets me is how small we make ourselves to simply not allow ourselves to be big enough to walk away.
Same. I didn’t realize how much I was shrinking until I started writing it out 😭
Girl, it’s a traumatized nervous system screwing with you.
Safety is only scary when it’s unknown .
I hear this a lot, but I don’t think everything that doesn’t click is trauma. Sometimes it just… doesn’t
I’m not saying it’s trauma because it doesn’t click. You are stating that you recognize safety and security in someone and don’t feel attracted to it. It’s so painful you’d rather them cheat on you then admit your numb to the safety they offer. That’s the nuance. That’s the trauma.
Damn, a few years ago I entered a relationship with a man whom I didn’t love and wasn’t attracted to. I was younger and inexperienced and didn’t fully understand what I wanted from a relationship and a man. Every word you wrote here made me reminisce my thoughts from that time. He was a sweet, gentle man, with manners and a good family even. He wasn’t the jealous type, he never wanted to control any choice I made, we travelled together, cooked together. Despite everything, I knew at the bottom of my heart that I couldn’t love this man the way he deserved. I started to hope that he finds somebody else, that he falls in love irrevocably and decides to leave me. I would’ve been so at peace with that, I would’ve just wished him to have the best possible life, only if he could just do something wrong so that I can have an excuse for my lack of assertiveness. It took a long time for me to understand that incompatibility is a good enough reason to end a relationship and sometimes I think about how much time I’ve lost the both of us.
He'd still love you through this too
whoa this is such a good read … and i relate so deeply to this — it’s nice to have someone that treats you like a princess, but it’s not meant to be yours if the connection (or chemistry) isn’t there. so people may try to find loopholes or excuses to justify getting out of the relationship, which is quite heartbreaking. it’s either you lean on that person who doesn’t give you butterflies and risk never finding someone who truly TRULY vibes with you, or leaving your safety partner and never managing to find someone better out there. there’s so much that stands to be lost in situations like these ☹️
The mature thing to do is be honest & say it’s not him. It’s you. The immature thing is to play with his feelings & continue leading him on waiting for the chance to blame him rather than just acknowledging the fact that he’s not for you. Don’t waste his time, someone out dere would enjoy his character, it’s not that deep, different animals different interest.
this isn’t about what’s mature and what’s immature. this piece was more about why people hesitate to admit that truth in the first place. admitting that “it’s just not for me” comes with way more judgment than it should
& an immature person gives a wee woo about external judgment where as a mature person doesn’t give wee woo about other peoples opinions because they do what’s right and what’s best for themselves.
…does that make sense?
I understand what you’re saying. I just don’t agree that struggling with judgment equals immaturity. This is about how social narratives shape how hard honesty feels, not about people lacking character
Social narrative is external, the insecure & immature care about the external factors. In truth people respect what’s real, That’s part of maturity. When you get out of your feelings & into your logic, you realise people’s opinions don’t actually mean nothing when you know what your doing is the right thing to do, or it’s purposeful. everyone had an opinion about airplanes in the begging, about making millions from
Screens, about flat screens in the first instance but now look at the phone in your hand..when you’re moving with hard focus & intention & intensity, the real ones see it & respect it, the immature will gossip because that’s what negative people with no heading do. They care about other people’s lives as opposed to being concerned about their own…in truth if something isn’t appreciating your life it’s depreciating your value…you write about wanting an escape route & for blame to fall on his” shoulders, when in reality it should just be a simple decision. Staying with the wrong person is a waste of time…time isn’t infinite & the longer you’re in the wrong place or job or relationship the longer it’s going to for you to get into the right one. Mature people move swift & concise the immature waste so much time being petty & playing games, the grown version of everyone moves with intent & assertiveness..as in; I got do what I gotta do Cus I gotta get me were I gotta go & if it’s slowing me down then I need to make a swift decision. Cus my time & my energy is precious…
Unmoved is the perfect word for what I felt by the person in the past! Felt every line
it was the only word that felt honest 😭😭 tysm for reading
I feel like we're broken in so many mirrored ways
This tension is real, and it’s rarely talked about honestly. Leaving someone who treats you well but doesn’t move you asks for a kind of courage that doesn’t come with social permission or neat explanations. There’s a quiet guilt in that space, especially for women, where desire is expected to be justified by wrongdoing. Naming the difference between being cared for and being chosen back feels uncomfortable because it asks us to trust ourselves without external validation. That’s a hard place to stand, but a necessary one.
Just be an adult and end it. The basis you have is kinda messed up and at the end of the day it’s about being a decent human being and if the chemistry is not there it isn’t. You can do whatever you want obviously but I think you wanting them to cheat so you have an easy justified out is concerning. You are wholly within your right to let them know you just don’t feel it with them and if anyone asked the truth should be enough for them with out having to embellish or wish for the heartache that comes with someone breaking your trust and treating your you as something that is replaceable. I just feel that you make a very good point and it’s incredibly deep and an exercise so many of us men and women do or at least flirt with that thought process. Because no one wants to be the bad right
? Though I will say this men and women cheat for what ever reasons to say men cheat it’s inevitable is a little extreme because all in all crappy people with crappy morals ethics and crappy personality’s cheat, but what do I know I’m a man and probably should not have voiced my opinion on the matter I apologize for bothering the comments section.
I want to know that it’s okay to feel this without this being a trauma response, I feel exactly what you have mentioned too, but it’s so hard to know if it’s trauma or this just isn’t it.
I don’t think misalignment needs to be pathologized. Feeling unsure doesn’t mean there’s something to “fix” in you