You should re read it. I thought the same, my previous comment talked about discernment, but if you read it again, and try to process it, you’ll understand they aren’t necessarily defending cheating
I don’t think anyone is obligated to forgive a cheater, but also believe couples can heal after cheating and build a stronger and healthier marriage than they had before. I’ve seen it happen.
Sometimes spouses are shamed for staying in a marriage after their spouses have cheated. People assume they are spineless fools. Anyone who has been cheated on has the right to others’ respect regardless of whether he or she chooses to stay or leave.
I agree with your point of view but want to add that if you choose to forgive, you deserve respect for that choice too.
Sometimes it takes a great deal of strength to stay. Sometimes staying is because of weakness.
I knew a couple where both spouses cheated. One spouse was able to forgive and move on in the marriage. The other could never forget or forgive even though they had also cheated. This person was consumed with jealousy, anger, and bitterness. The other spouse was serene and sure of their value.
I know another couple where both cheated. People around them knew of the affairs but neither spouse ever knew the other was cheating too. Forty years later, they are happily married.
The pain the betrayed spouse feels is deep and searing. It takes a great deal of courage and strength to walk through that pain and emerge on the other side. If the cheating spouse has no remorse, the marriage becomes one mostly of convenience. But if the cheating spouse takes responsibility and is willing to do the work required to earn back trust, the end result can be a strong, affair proof marriage.
The point I’m making is that there is more than one way to deal with marital infidelity, and no two marriages are alike. Each marriage has the right to find their own way.
I really felt like this resonated so much with me, I find it hard to forgive infidelity, I may not feel ready to forgive them, but I have learned to forgive myself for loving wholeheartedly.
You don't have to forgive them, it is the strongest burn to someone there is. that they are not good enough you desire another. that they weren't performing in the relationship how was required. Even if someone feels the need to start imagining another person they should just leave the relationship not put the other person through the cycle of self-doubt and beating ones self up
I’ll admit, this title threw me at first. But in my experience that’s what good writing is - it hooks you in, provides explanation, and it can become a teachable moment. I was reflecting on my own upbringing, with a traditionalist mother who would tell me, “Men will just cheat, it’s in their nature”. Not to mention how it frequents our media. “Man cheats on wife”, “Man had affair”, “Man lived a double life with separate family,” the list goes on.
And yet, as you said, there’s this underlying expectation to forgive them. I can only reference men here because those are the experiences I can speak to (and they’re statistically proven to be the more unfaithful demographic).
It all comes down to their own choice - it’s one thing to make the decision to forgive a genuine mistake, to work on what might have gone wrong or what spurred their actions. But that depends on what is a cornerstone of a successful relationship: Trust. I trust you to not to do this again. I trust you to keep word that it won’t happen again. I trust that you’ll actively work to Regain my trust in you as my partner, and we can take the steps to recover.
But all too often, we only see the cycle repeat itself. I used to be of the belief that it’s not necessarily true to say “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Yet again, that’s the societal expectation to forgive. But “oops I didn’t again” just doesn’t fly anymore. If someone can’t trust their partner to not do something so damaging, then there’s no gain in forgiveness. Hollow apologies mean nothing without action.
Beautifully written. 💜 I’m newish to substack but I am glad you were one of the first I found to follow.
i really felt that part about how we’re raised to expect male infidelity as inevitable, and then also told to swallow the betrayal for the sake of love. it’s wild how deeply that narrative is baked into our media, our families, our ideas of “normal.” Also i’m really glad you found your way here, thank u for reading ❤️
What made you say forgiving is forgetting? I think that the confusion between both terms is where you’re mistaken. You can forgive. That doesn’t mean anything erased. On the contrary it means you’ve remembered it all. But you’ve managed to cut off where your energy flows into toxic places. It creates an abundance of positivity. Forgiveness is healthy. Forgiveness is essential. Forgiveness is intimate. And it is for you and yourself only. Forgiveness does not involve anyone else having the right to erase your experience or you haven’t to stuff down feelings. Forgiveness is selfish and beautiful. It is something only you and you can do if you choose to.
i think my point was more about how sometimes people expect forgiveness to mean forgetting or moving on quickly, which can pressure the person who was hurt.
forgiveness is complicated and messy, and i agree, it’s something only we can choose for ourselves, on our own terms.
Only if you want to go through it on and on and on. Cheaters have a flaw in their personalities, they never change. Cheaters only deserve to be with other cheaters.
I personally don’t think I could ever forgive a cheater, I think it’s one of the worst things you could do to someone who loves you, but I also wouldn’t go as far as saying that they never change. I don’t think it’s always a personality flaw and I’m positive some people learn from their mistakes.
I broke the heart of the one I cherished most and in the wreckage, I found the pieces of myself I needed to change. I became better, not just for her, but for the man I promised myself I’d be. Still, no matter how much I grew, she couldn’t unsee what I’d done and I can’t fault her for that. What hurts most is knowing how much of my soul I poured into her, hoping love could outshine my mistakes.
But here’s the thing: Forgiveness isn’t always the destination. Sometimes, it’s just another way to disappear the hurt. To smooth over what should remain jagged. To turn betrayal into something palatable, something poetic.
They didn’t trip and fall into someone else. They walked. They planned it. They lied while holding a steady gaze. They came home and kissed someone they had already chosen to betray. That wasn’t a moment of weakness. It was a decision. A performance. A cruelty rehearsed behind someone else's back.
And yet. Even after all that. Even after the logic, and the therapy, and the grace, even after the podcasts, the Pinterest quotes, the endless journaling on warped paper, even after the self-help mantras that say forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, some people still can’t do it.
No, but I skimmed it and the article is just really stupid and sounds like satire, if it isn't satire I'm worried about people. You implying I'm dumb won't change the fact that this is either satire or reads like it.
I have forgiven but I still chose to walk away. It changed my perception of him, warped his character, filled me with rage and tainted something so valuable. Reconciliation was too difficult. I realized that restarting my life was difficult but my choices were only mine to make. The anxiety, shame, anger that came with reconciliation felt like drowning. I chose to free myself even if it meant moving through life alone again.
Yeah, this one should’ve stayed in the drafts..
how so? did you actually read it?😂
You should re read it. I thought the same, my previous comment talked about discernment, but if you read it again, and try to process it, you’ll understand they aren’t necessarily defending cheating
Read the entirety. If it’s still not clicking, then you might have some soul searching to do.
please enlighten me
Oh I was referring to the previous commenter, I’m working on my own separate one. 💜 For clarity, I loved this piece!
oh 😭 I was so confused there for a minute like… thank uu <3
All good! Might’ve been my mistake. Still figuring out how the app works lol.
Persist to the end!
is the punchline in sitcoms a reference to chandler and monica from friends 😭
I don’t think anyone is obligated to forgive a cheater, but also believe couples can heal after cheating and build a stronger and healthier marriage than they had before. I’ve seen it happen.
Sometimes spouses are shamed for staying in a marriage after their spouses have cheated. People assume they are spineless fools. Anyone who has been cheated on has the right to others’ respect regardless of whether he or she chooses to stay or leave.
I agree with your point of view but want to add that if you choose to forgive, you deserve respect for that choice too.
yes, forgiveness should never be demanded, but if someone does choose it, that deserves just as much respect as walking away I guess
Sometimes it takes a great deal of strength to stay. Sometimes staying is because of weakness.
I knew a couple where both spouses cheated. One spouse was able to forgive and move on in the marriage. The other could never forget or forgive even though they had also cheated. This person was consumed with jealousy, anger, and bitterness. The other spouse was serene and sure of their value.
I know another couple where both cheated. People around them knew of the affairs but neither spouse ever knew the other was cheating too. Forty years later, they are happily married.
The pain the betrayed spouse feels is deep and searing. It takes a great deal of courage and strength to walk through that pain and emerge on the other side. If the cheating spouse has no remorse, the marriage becomes one mostly of convenience. But if the cheating spouse takes responsibility and is willing to do the work required to earn back trust, the end result can be a strong, affair proof marriage.
The point I’m making is that there is more than one way to deal with marital infidelity, and no two marriages are alike. Each marriage has the right to find their own way.
Beautifully said, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this!
You’re welcome!
I really felt like this resonated so much with me, I find it hard to forgive infidelity, I may not feel ready to forgive them, but I have learned to forgive myself for loving wholeheartedly.
i think there’s so much power in naming that you’re not ready to forgive them yet. you don’t owe healing on anyone else’s timeline
You don't have to forgive them, it is the strongest burn to someone there is. that they are not good enough you desire another. that they weren't performing in the relationship how was required. Even if someone feels the need to start imagining another person they should just leave the relationship not put the other person through the cycle of self-doubt and beating ones self up
Same. And I will never forgive both men who cheated on me when I loved wholeheartedly and was loyal, ever. And I'm okay with it.
i was about to jump at you, but you got me through and throughout. loved it.
I can picture you deleting a whole paragraph after finishing reading 😭
I’ll admit, this title threw me at first. But in my experience that’s what good writing is - it hooks you in, provides explanation, and it can become a teachable moment. I was reflecting on my own upbringing, with a traditionalist mother who would tell me, “Men will just cheat, it’s in their nature”. Not to mention how it frequents our media. “Man cheats on wife”, “Man had affair”, “Man lived a double life with separate family,” the list goes on.
And yet, as you said, there’s this underlying expectation to forgive them. I can only reference men here because those are the experiences I can speak to (and they’re statistically proven to be the more unfaithful demographic).
It all comes down to their own choice - it’s one thing to make the decision to forgive a genuine mistake, to work on what might have gone wrong or what spurred their actions. But that depends on what is a cornerstone of a successful relationship: Trust. I trust you to not to do this again. I trust you to keep word that it won’t happen again. I trust that you’ll actively work to Regain my trust in you as my partner, and we can take the steps to recover.
But all too often, we only see the cycle repeat itself. I used to be of the belief that it’s not necessarily true to say “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Yet again, that’s the societal expectation to forgive. But “oops I didn’t again” just doesn’t fly anymore. If someone can’t trust their partner to not do something so damaging, then there’s no gain in forgiveness. Hollow apologies mean nothing without action.
Beautifully written. 💜 I’m newish to substack but I am glad you were one of the first I found to follow.
i really felt that part about how we’re raised to expect male infidelity as inevitable, and then also told to swallow the betrayal for the sake of love. it’s wild how deeply that narrative is baked into our media, our families, our ideas of “normal.” Also i’m really glad you found your way here, thank u for reading ❤️
in this thread: ppl who can’t read
tell me about it!! some people are doing ts on purpose to pmo atp 😭
What made you say forgiving is forgetting? I think that the confusion between both terms is where you’re mistaken. You can forgive. That doesn’t mean anything erased. On the contrary it means you’ve remembered it all. But you’ve managed to cut off where your energy flows into toxic places. It creates an abundance of positivity. Forgiveness is healthy. Forgiveness is essential. Forgiveness is intimate. And it is for you and yourself only. Forgiveness does not involve anyone else having the right to erase your experience or you haven’t to stuff down feelings. Forgiveness is selfish and beautiful. It is something only you and you can do if you choose to.
I love how you laid that out.
i think my point was more about how sometimes people expect forgiveness to mean forgetting or moving on quickly, which can pressure the person who was hurt.
forgiveness is complicated and messy, and i agree, it’s something only we can choose for ourselves, on our own terms.
You got this maisa 🥹🥹🥹🥹 you’re so pretty btw!
awww thank you so much
Only if you want to go through it on and on and on. Cheaters have a flaw in their personalities, they never change. Cheaters only deserve to be with other cheaters.
Reread it but it never mentioned setting the cheaters on fire and inviting the neighbors over for a wiener roast, so, NOPE.
I really like your energy 😭
I personally don’t think I could ever forgive a cheater, I think it’s one of the worst things you could do to someone who loves you, but I also wouldn’t go as far as saying that they never change. I don’t think it’s always a personality flaw and I’m positive some people learn from their mistakes.
I broke the heart of the one I cherished most and in the wreckage, I found the pieces of myself I needed to change. I became better, not just for her, but for the man I promised myself I’d be. Still, no matter how much I grew, she couldn’t unsee what I’d done and I can’t fault her for that. What hurts most is knowing how much of my soul I poured into her, hoping love could outshine my mistakes.
"Some people are still angry.
Still hurt.
Still grieving a version of themselves that didn’t know what betrayal felt like."
oh that one hit 😭
i shed a tear, this one really spoke to me
🥹🥹
After reading the essay, I don’t think you were being literal in saying “we should forgive cheaters” (am I correct)
haha, yeah I was being ironic
But here’s the thing: Forgiveness isn’t always the destination. Sometimes, it’s just another way to disappear the hurt. To smooth over what should remain jagged. To turn betrayal into something palatable, something poetic.
They didn’t trip and fall into someone else. They walked. They planned it. They lied while holding a steady gaze. They came home and kissed someone they had already chosen to betray. That wasn’t a moment of weakness. It was a decision. A performance. A cruelty rehearsed behind someone else's back.
And yet. Even after all that. Even after the logic, and the therapy, and the grace, even after the podcasts, the Pinterest quotes, the endless journaling on warped paper, even after the self-help mantras that say forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, some people still can’t do it.
its ok to not post sometimes
You've articulated how I feel about this article, it's okay to not post sometimes
is your favorite color 5? genuinely curious 🤔
I read it entirely and I changed my mind, you however, remain rude and arrogant.
No, but I skimmed it and the article is just really stupid and sounds like satire, if it isn't satire I'm worried about people. You implying I'm dumb won't change the fact that this is either satire or reads like it.
Oh how you put words together the first part is my partner's perspective on cheating the second part is my perspective. Great work
So beautiful, and I feel such sadness yet.
I have forgiven but I still chose to walk away. It changed my perception of him, warped his character, filled me with rage and tainted something so valuable. Reconciliation was too difficult. I realized that restarting my life was difficult but my choices were only mine to make. The anxiety, shame, anger that came with reconciliation felt like drowning. I chose to free myself even if it meant moving through life alone again.
it’s heartbreaking how betrayal can change how we see someone, even when love was real.
choosing freedom, even if it means being alone, takes so much courage. you’re owning your story and that’s powerful.
i’m really glad you found your way to your peace, on your terms.