This article came exactly in the moment when I decided to do a step back with my usual way of dressing up and choose a more modest closet. I’ve always been the one who was hanging out half naked, who thought that showing my body was giving me power and I craved men gazes. Lately for different reasons, I came closer to Islam (I’m not a converted, I’m just getting to know it) and wearing hijab in my room, and abayas, and long dresses, made me feel so beautiful. I felt a real sense of confidence that I cannot explain, and it was just me in my room.
Thank you for your text because it perfectly explain part of my thoughts.
this is beautiful, thank you for sharing it with me. i think there's something really powerful about exploring new self expressions that aren't tied to being seen. the fact that you felt confident and beautiful alone in your room says everything. i’m so glad the piece found you at the right time
This text came just at the right moment. I have also been struggling with the topic of desire and power lately. Specially when thinking about dancehall, which I dance and enjoy enormously but which also raises questions on the subject of sexualization and racialization. Still haven't gotten my head around it but your words have definitely been food for thought.
i love that you brought this here. i don’t know much about dancehall but it makes total sense that it would sit right at the crossroads of joy, embodiment, and all those complicated layers of how we’re seen. I’m glad this helped in any way shape or form
This is something i’ve thought about for a while i’ve just felt ashamed to talk about it because i’ve tried once in front of the wrong crowd and words like “brainwashed”, “closed minded” were thrown around and i often wonder has the desire to be sexually desired surpassed the desire for freedom, true liberation and putting in the effort to think and free ourselves from the propaganda that has been fed to us that is “being openly sexualised is power” which really is just plain manipulation. This is an excellent topic that needs to be discussed more and far more openly.
i think a lot of people subconsciously know that sexual liberation is a lie but are afraid to come to terms with it because of the validation and attention and momentary good feelings they get from it, but we can only hope for awakening? enlightenment? i’m not sure but we can only hope that women wake up and see that the pretty cage is still a cage and find the bravery to set themselves free.
funnily enough we truly have the power, some of us fail to see it.
Thank you so much!! i know exactly what you mean about speaking up in the “wrong” crowd. it’s wild how asking questions suddenly makes *you* the problem. but i really believe that discomfort is where clarity starts. and you said it perfectly: a pretty cage is still a cage. i think a lot of us are slowly starting to see the bars. we just have to keep having these conversations, louder and with less fear.
This came to me as I’m feeling older, softer, quieter. Slipping through the cracks in a way I hadn’t before. This reminds me of the lesson my younger self already knew - that beauty isn’t based on an audience I don’t even want. It comes from myself and doing what matters to me every day and gaining confidence from that.
this is so tender, thanks for sharing it. that shift into softness, into being seen less but feeling more rooted… it’s powerful. i love what you said about your younger self already knowing. sometimes the real glow-up is just remembering
This resonated with me a lot. There was a time when I used to feel very insecure about my looks and thus one friend of mine would advise me to look in the mirror and tell myself: “I’m hot”. It was all about having an attitude shift and convincing myself of my own sexiness. She was well meaning and don’t get me wrong-feeling sexy can be fun and is a lil confidence boost… but what about those days when I’m utterly wrecked? I’m not sexy then. And that’s okay. Telling myself I’m the hottest, the most beautiful, everyone is so lucky to just be afforded one glance… it still feels like a performance. It still feels like sexiness is my most important trait. Another thing about this so called empowerment-the performance never ends. The audience never goes away. You can’t truly stop it. They are still watching and judging. There’s no empowerment if you can never say no
this. the way you described the mirror pep talk? i’ve been there too. well-meaning, sometimes helpful, but still rooted in needing to feel sexy to feel worthy. and like you said, what happens on the days when we’re not? when we’re tired, or grieving, or just existing without gloss? if empowerment depends on performance, it was never really freedom. thank you for putting this into words so honestly
This was a really balanced perspective I agree with completely. I'll add that I think with capitalism, the arbiters of what a woman should do still exist, just now in the hands of profit driven industries instead of church, state and family. Empowerment slogans becomes irrelevant when there's manufactured corporate pressure to perform and active othering of women who say, 'no thanks, not for me.' Different goalposts, same methods.
yes exactly, just new gatekeepers wearing cooler outfits. the language got rebranded but the pressure’s still there, and now it’s wrapped in empowerment slogans and sold back to us as freedom. really appreciate you adding this, it’s such an important layer.
I needed to hear this, BAD. I’ve always struggled putting my frustration with current depictions of women empowerment and sw into words. I can recall feeling as though I was having this ‘tug of war’ with what empowerment should look/feel like vs. how it’s currently portrayed/marketed—especially towards younger and more impressionable women. This essay was very informative. Thank you!
this means so much, thank you. that “tug of war” you described? it’s so real. we’re constantly being sold empowerment that looks good on a feed but doesn’t always feel good in our bodies. i’m so glad the essay helped put some shape to what you’ve been carrying. here’s to questioning the script, especially for the ones still figuring it out
This is very thought provoking and a much needed piece for women and men of today to reflect on. In ways, you are highlighting and unraveling the ignorance people have on topics like religion, such as Islam. Just to share a little about its teachings, morality is God-given and God-determined, not decided by patriarchy. So when women of Islam learn to understand that they should dress modestly, it is because God intended so, not because of man. It is a choice. Any man, woman, institution, or government that forces women to cover does not represent Islamic teachings. “There is no compulsion in religion.” Source Quran 2:256.
So for Islamophobes who think that being modest is anti-feminism, and that they are oppressed, reflect on this essay this author wrote on how liberation should come from within or from an objective morality THAT YOU CHOOSE TO SUBSCRIBE TO.
thank you so much for this. i really appreciate the clarity and care you brought to this conversation. i love how you framed modesty as a conscious alignment with something chosen, not imposed and how you separated that from both patriarchy and Islamophobia. we can hold nuance, but it takes intention, and you did that beautifully. grateful you read the piece with such depth
If sexuality is felt, doesn’t that complicate the whole premise—doesn’t it belong to the person feeling it?
Why must womanhood always feel like a bootstrap paradox we’re blamed for tying ourselves into? I don’t think you intended this as a covert nod to the rise of conservatism in our current landscape but, the piece echoes some of its logic— especially when the patriarchal framework that creates this double bind goes mostly unexamined. Really interesting to read and definitely thought provoking.
you’re right, sexuality is felt, but i think the question is: how much of what we feel has been shaped before we even get a chance to name it for ourselves? it’s less about denying desire and more about asking who benefits from how we’re taught to experience it.
and you’re spot on, womanhood constantly feels like a trap we get blamed for falling into. i don’t see this as a nod to conservatism, but i get how it might echo that if we don’t interrogate why these frameworks keep circling back, no matter what side of the spectrum we’re on.
i’m not the smartest and i’m reading this early in the morning so someone feel free to correct me if i’m just misunderstanding! but if what truly counts as sexual liberation is the choice then isn’t choosing* to look sexy still falling under sexual liberation? did dressing up affect the ability of the woman to say what she wants? i don’t think so at all.
gurl I’m sure you’re smart, and you’re not misunderstanding at all, it’s a great question. the point isn’t that looking sexy = oppression. it’s that we’ve been taught to equate being seen as sexy with being free. choosing to dress up is valid! but we have to ask: who taught us what “sexy” looks like? and why does that choice so often feel like the only one that gets celebrated, validated, or seen as powerful? the issue isn’t the outfit, it’s the system that taught us what makes it empowering in the first place.
I have been wondering and thinking about this exact thing since YEARS and reading your article felt like my thoughts were shown a pixel mirror! Love your work
Also, I have been practising the very same thing you wrote, “choosing to say yes because you want it, not because of performance you need to put up”
this made me smile, thank you. the “pixel mirror” line? i’m stealing that forever. and i love that you’re already practicing that kind of yes. it’s quiet work but it’s powerful as hell. so glad the piece found you
It never was about liberation, they just wanted to be the ones to decide how sexualizing them was done. Women are never going to give up the lights, look how much they spend on clothes they only wear once, 50 pairs of sunglasses, enough make up for 20 women and thousands of dollars for hair mannies and paddies. Women love being the sexual object but whine so they don’t look pathetic and easy. But they are. NEXT.
I’m, in general, all for people wearing what they want and doing what they want. but let’s call the things by their name. sexual liberation is a scam so we continue to do the same thing we were shamed for but disguised with ‘I chose to do it’. We have been objectified by society but now we chose to objectify ourselves so society feels less guilty? but the power dynamic in the end is the same. it’s peak capitalism. trying to hide it or not admitting it is what I don’t like, more than the fact itself.
I found your words to be very well articulated and you made your point perfectly. thanks for sharing this article.
yes exactly. it’s not about policing the behavior, it’s about naming the system. the performance didn’t change, it just got a rebrand. and now we’re expected to feel empowered by something that was never built for our empowerment in the first place. you nailed it: peak capitalism. thank you for reading so closely and getting it.
this came out 3 days after my birthday, i turned 17 and i needed this message now more than ever. perfomance isn't just for the male gaze for me, it's for everyone, and it reminds me of that one saying where every woman has a man inside them that watches even when she is alone. the weight of it is unbearable, i'm glad that you put it into words.
happy late birthday, love. Thank you for sharing this. that line about the man inside us watching? it haunts me too. the way performance can follow us even into solitude is so real, and so heavy. i’m glad the essay reached you when it did. you deserve to move through the world on your own terms, no audience required.
This article came exactly in the moment when I decided to do a step back with my usual way of dressing up and choose a more modest closet. I’ve always been the one who was hanging out half naked, who thought that showing my body was giving me power and I craved men gazes. Lately for different reasons, I came closer to Islam (I’m not a converted, I’m just getting to know it) and wearing hijab in my room, and abayas, and long dresses, made me feel so beautiful. I felt a real sense of confidence that I cannot explain, and it was just me in my room.
Thank you for your text because it perfectly explain part of my thoughts.
this is beautiful, thank you for sharing it with me. i think there's something really powerful about exploring new self expressions that aren't tied to being seen. the fact that you felt confident and beautiful alone in your room says everything. i’m so glad the piece found you at the right time
This text came just at the right moment. I have also been struggling with the topic of desire and power lately. Specially when thinking about dancehall, which I dance and enjoy enormously but which also raises questions on the subject of sexualization and racialization. Still haven't gotten my head around it but your words have definitely been food for thought.
i love that you brought this here. i don’t know much about dancehall but it makes total sense that it would sit right at the crossroads of joy, embodiment, and all those complicated layers of how we’re seen. I’m glad this helped in any way shape or form
Your way with words is a blessing!
This is something i’ve thought about for a while i’ve just felt ashamed to talk about it because i’ve tried once in front of the wrong crowd and words like “brainwashed”, “closed minded” were thrown around and i often wonder has the desire to be sexually desired surpassed the desire for freedom, true liberation and putting in the effort to think and free ourselves from the propaganda that has been fed to us that is “being openly sexualised is power” which really is just plain manipulation. This is an excellent topic that needs to be discussed more and far more openly.
i think a lot of people subconsciously know that sexual liberation is a lie but are afraid to come to terms with it because of the validation and attention and momentary good feelings they get from it, but we can only hope for awakening? enlightenment? i’m not sure but we can only hope that women wake up and see that the pretty cage is still a cage and find the bravery to set themselves free.
funnily enough we truly have the power, some of us fail to see it.
Thank you so much!! i know exactly what you mean about speaking up in the “wrong” crowd. it’s wild how asking questions suddenly makes *you* the problem. but i really believe that discomfort is where clarity starts. and you said it perfectly: a pretty cage is still a cage. i think a lot of us are slowly starting to see the bars. we just have to keep having these conversations, louder and with less fear.
Been trying to put my thaughts about this subject for so long and your piece is perfectly written women needs to read this !!!!!
ahh thank you so much!! it means a lot that it helped put words to something you've been feeling.
This came to me as I’m feeling older, softer, quieter. Slipping through the cracks in a way I hadn’t before. This reminds me of the lesson my younger self already knew - that beauty isn’t based on an audience I don’t even want. It comes from myself and doing what matters to me every day and gaining confidence from that.
this is so tender, thanks for sharing it. that shift into softness, into being seen less but feeling more rooted… it’s powerful. i love what you said about your younger self already knowing. sometimes the real glow-up is just remembering
This resonated with me a lot. There was a time when I used to feel very insecure about my looks and thus one friend of mine would advise me to look in the mirror and tell myself: “I’m hot”. It was all about having an attitude shift and convincing myself of my own sexiness. She was well meaning and don’t get me wrong-feeling sexy can be fun and is a lil confidence boost… but what about those days when I’m utterly wrecked? I’m not sexy then. And that’s okay. Telling myself I’m the hottest, the most beautiful, everyone is so lucky to just be afforded one glance… it still feels like a performance. It still feels like sexiness is my most important trait. Another thing about this so called empowerment-the performance never ends. The audience never goes away. You can’t truly stop it. They are still watching and judging. There’s no empowerment if you can never say no
this. the way you described the mirror pep talk? i’ve been there too. well-meaning, sometimes helpful, but still rooted in needing to feel sexy to feel worthy. and like you said, what happens on the days when we’re not? when we’re tired, or grieving, or just existing without gloss? if empowerment depends on performance, it was never really freedom. thank you for putting this into words so honestly
This was a really balanced perspective I agree with completely. I'll add that I think with capitalism, the arbiters of what a woman should do still exist, just now in the hands of profit driven industries instead of church, state and family. Empowerment slogans becomes irrelevant when there's manufactured corporate pressure to perform and active othering of women who say, 'no thanks, not for me.' Different goalposts, same methods.
yes exactly, just new gatekeepers wearing cooler outfits. the language got rebranded but the pressure’s still there, and now it’s wrapped in empowerment slogans and sold back to us as freedom. really appreciate you adding this, it’s such an important layer.
you get it, and this was a lovely read!
I needed to hear this, BAD. I’ve always struggled putting my frustration with current depictions of women empowerment and sw into words. I can recall feeling as though I was having this ‘tug of war’ with what empowerment should look/feel like vs. how it’s currently portrayed/marketed—especially towards younger and more impressionable women. This essay was very informative. Thank you!
this means so much, thank you. that “tug of war” you described? it’s so real. we’re constantly being sold empowerment that looks good on a feed but doesn’t always feel good in our bodies. i’m so glad the essay helped put some shape to what you’ve been carrying. here’s to questioning the script, especially for the ones still figuring it out
This is very thought provoking and a much needed piece for women and men of today to reflect on. In ways, you are highlighting and unraveling the ignorance people have on topics like religion, such as Islam. Just to share a little about its teachings, morality is God-given and God-determined, not decided by patriarchy. So when women of Islam learn to understand that they should dress modestly, it is because God intended so, not because of man. It is a choice. Any man, woman, institution, or government that forces women to cover does not represent Islamic teachings. “There is no compulsion in religion.” Source Quran 2:256.
So for Islamophobes who think that being modest is anti-feminism, and that they are oppressed, reflect on this essay this author wrote on how liberation should come from within or from an objective morality THAT YOU CHOOSE TO SUBSCRIBE TO.
Great piece Maisa.
thank you so much for this. i really appreciate the clarity and care you brought to this conversation. i love how you framed modesty as a conscious alignment with something chosen, not imposed and how you separated that from both patriarchy and Islamophobia. we can hold nuance, but it takes intention, and you did that beautifully. grateful you read the piece with such depth
If sexuality is felt, doesn’t that complicate the whole premise—doesn’t it belong to the person feeling it?
Why must womanhood always feel like a bootstrap paradox we’re blamed for tying ourselves into? I don’t think you intended this as a covert nod to the rise of conservatism in our current landscape but, the piece echoes some of its logic— especially when the patriarchal framework that creates this double bind goes mostly unexamined. Really interesting to read and definitely thought provoking.
you’re right, sexuality is felt, but i think the question is: how much of what we feel has been shaped before we even get a chance to name it for ourselves? it’s less about denying desire and more about asking who benefits from how we’re taught to experience it.
and you’re spot on, womanhood constantly feels like a trap we get blamed for falling into. i don’t see this as a nod to conservatism, but i get how it might echo that if we don’t interrogate why these frameworks keep circling back, no matter what side of the spectrum we’re on.
i’m not the smartest and i’m reading this early in the morning so someone feel free to correct me if i’m just misunderstanding! but if what truly counts as sexual liberation is the choice then isn’t choosing* to look sexy still falling under sexual liberation? did dressing up affect the ability of the woman to say what she wants? i don’t think so at all.
gurl I’m sure you’re smart, and you’re not misunderstanding at all, it’s a great question. the point isn’t that looking sexy = oppression. it’s that we’ve been taught to equate being seen as sexy with being free. choosing to dress up is valid! but we have to ask: who taught us what “sexy” looks like? and why does that choice so often feel like the only one that gets celebrated, validated, or seen as powerful? the issue isn’t the outfit, it’s the system that taught us what makes it empowering in the first place.
I have been wondering and thinking about this exact thing since YEARS and reading your article felt like my thoughts were shown a pixel mirror! Love your work
Also, I have been practising the very same thing you wrote, “choosing to say yes because you want it, not because of performance you need to put up”
this made me smile, thank you. the “pixel mirror” line? i’m stealing that forever. and i love that you’re already practicing that kind of yes. it’s quiet work but it’s powerful as hell. so glad the piece found you
It never was about liberation, they just wanted to be the ones to decide how sexualizing them was done. Women are never going to give up the lights, look how much they spend on clothes they only wear once, 50 pairs of sunglasses, enough make up for 20 women and thousands of dollars for hair mannies and paddies. Women love being the sexual object but whine so they don’t look pathetic and easy. But they are. NEXT.
if “i’m intimidated by women and need it to be their fault” was a comment. you could’ve just said “this triggered me” and kept scrolling. NEXT.
“You might be your own boss now, but the consumer is still king.” loved that line so much. what does it truly mean to be liberated.
I’m, in general, all for people wearing what they want and doing what they want. but let’s call the things by their name. sexual liberation is a scam so we continue to do the same thing we were shamed for but disguised with ‘I chose to do it’. We have been objectified by society but now we chose to objectify ourselves so society feels less guilty? but the power dynamic in the end is the same. it’s peak capitalism. trying to hide it or not admitting it is what I don’t like, more than the fact itself.
I found your words to be very well articulated and you made your point perfectly. thanks for sharing this article.
yes exactly. it’s not about policing the behavior, it’s about naming the system. the performance didn’t change, it just got a rebrand. and now we’re expected to feel empowered by something that was never built for our empowerment in the first place. you nailed it: peak capitalism. thank you for reading so closely and getting it.
this came out 3 days after my birthday, i turned 17 and i needed this message now more than ever. perfomance isn't just for the male gaze for me, it's for everyone, and it reminds me of that one saying where every woman has a man inside them that watches even when she is alone. the weight of it is unbearable, i'm glad that you put it into words.
happy late birthday, love. Thank you for sharing this. that line about the man inside us watching? it haunts me too. the way performance can follow us even into solitude is so real, and so heavy. i’m glad the essay reached you when it did. you deserve to move through the world on your own terms, no audience required.