I hope this segment isn’t referred to people with mental illnesses that cancel plans, or stay home, or even isolate. Cause if you put them in this group of people, that would be very cold.
I hear you — and I want to be clear: this isn’t about people who are genuinely struggling with mental illnesses and doing their best. Everyone today deals with mental health issues to some degree — it’s part of being human in this world. But when mental illness becomes a blanket excuse for consistently selfish or careless behavior, that’s when it stops being about real struggle and starts being about avoidance. This piece calls out the difference. Real struggles deserve compassion. Excuses deserve honesty.
As someone who’s struggled with depression and had some pretty low moments, I’m gonna say, I think some pressure on mentally ill people to keep up community even when it’s hard is good for us and I think the narrative has gotten way too permissible about symptoms of isolation being accepted as the norm or even self care. I’ve learned to white knuckle my way to plans, hang out with friends even when I feel like a husk, and it is THE BEST thing I can do for my mental health. I’m doing so much better these days and I think it’s because I decided that the “normalize mentally ill people needing to cancel plans” idea wasn’t good for me, and I built a circle of friends even when it felt so fucking hard.
This is such a powerful take, thank you for sharing it. You’re not denying how heavy mental illness can be, but just naming that sometimes pushing through and showing up can be the thing that helps most. I totally agree we’ve started treating isolation as the norm, when for many of us, that just deepens the spiral.
I totally agree with this. In my lowest moments, isolating is actually NOT good for me. It prevents me from connecting with friends, from exercising my body—very important medicines in my toolkit. Yes, I do recognize when I'm just tired and my body needs rest, but I also have to discern that from depression's dark sticky lies.
Im not talking about general anxiety, and not everybody has anxiety. Actually that comment you just damages the image of people with high levels of anxiety. We have gotten to a point where it has been normalised to say “oh I have anxiety” when you are just nervous. I am referring to people with very high levels of anxiety or depression. I’m not saying it is good that they isolate, I just mean that it is normal because there brains in those moments may need that rest, or maybe they just CAN’T. Your comment was really tasteless. No, not everybody has anxiety. And I’m not defending isolation, I’m just saying that some of you lack empathy.
While we all wish it were otherwise, obviously people with mental illnesses will not have community, they are defacto excluded by virtue of their condition. I believe this article is targeted towards normal people.
I mean this in the nicest way: I’m a recovering bipolar schizo who had delusions of grandeur and thought that every human on earth was watching every move I made via livestream… I couldn’t go out for years and now that I’m almost a decade into recovery I go and hang out with friends as often as I can and try to do thoughtful things for them. That’s what exposure therapy is for in my opinion.
hey! i was just thinking about this. As i am trying to recover from the mysterious nonchalant overprotective girl, i like that this post is talking about how we are losing community because of "protecting your peace" trend. But i also understand the fact that this was even a trend in the first place is because of the marketed aesthetics of it, which misdirect healing from sincere, deep connection to completely abandoning the world and crumble in one's shelf.
"Community isn’t just about showing up for the people who we love. It’s showing up for strangers, for the people who annoy us, who might not always have their life together, who don’t always return the favor. But when they do, even in small, unexpected ways, it’s enough to remind you why it’s worth it."
I really respect that you sat with the discomfort instead of running from it.
Growth always starts there, not in perfection, but in honesty.
Unlearning is messy and uncomfortable, but it’s also powerful. You’re already doing the hardest part: facing yourself without flinching. Keep going. The world needs more people willing to do that. :)
I'm writing my dissertation on this and it's really nice to know there's like-minded people who feel the same frustration. I hope others reading this will be able to start a nuanced conversation on how self-care can/should be the same as community care and that the powers that push us to be more individualistic only do it so we can be more easily controlled. xxx
omg it’s so cool that you’re writing your dissertation on this?! Love that. It’s honestly such a relief to know other people are feeling the same frustration. I really hope this does spark more convos about self-care and community care, and how all this hyper-independence stuff just makes it easier for systems to keep us isolated and quiet. Wishing you all the best with your writing, it sounds so important!
I’m going to push back a bit here Mai. Your essay made me think and that’s good. I agree that we need community and that creating community deserves our attention, but as a natural introvert, I want to add some balance.
We come to this earth with only one thing - time. Our time belongs to us. Each of us has the right to choose how we spend our time. What may feel like important community building to you may feel like a waste of precious time to someone else.
This world is 75% extroverts and 25% introverts. What seems like selfishness to you might be crucial downtime for someone else.
It’s great to encourage community. We all need others to some degree, but to criticize those who choose to live a more solitary existence is, IMO, not your place.
Totally fair pushback, and I really appreciate you sharing it. I’m actually not anti-solitude at all and I know how crucial alone time can be.
The essay wasn’t about shaming people for choosing quiet lives. It was about how we’ve started to treat any discomfort or inconvenience as a betrayal of the self, even when it’s the kind that comes with meaningful connection.
It’s not about doing more. It’s about rethinking the stories we tell ourselves about showing up. Balance, solitude, and community can all coexist.
“Introverts” don’t meaningfully exist, this is a nonsense identity invented by weak redditors to explain their social deficiencies. Building community doesn’t need to be loud, animated, constantly outgoing or any of the weird stereotyped redditors associate with “extroverts.”
It is in fact OPs place to criticize reclusive, anti social behavior and it’s fine and good if that pressures self identified “introverts” into socializing .
I love this. I am guilty of this. I am that bitch.
I feel really bad, riddled with guilt in fact.
I used to be so bubbly and full of life,you can find me at every event and function, always there for people. Until I went into a really bad depression and I have not entirely healed. Everyone now is a future disappointment, a new betrayal. I had so much hope and love and now I'm a skeptical on my best days.
I want you to know that this wasn’t written to shame people who are healing. It’s for the version of us that gets stuck and calls it growth. There’s a difference between needing time and abandoning connection altogether. Healing deserves patience. But healing doesn’t mean we stop trying.
You are not alone. You’re not broken beyond repair. The fact that you still recognize your past light means it’s still in you. It’s not about forcing yourself to be everywhere all the time again, it’s about choosing, when you’re ready, to show up a little, and then a little more, until connection feels possible again.
In my opinion, this is a cultural (perhaps Western or perhaps just American) thing. The prioritization of the individual over the collective means that people can have very rich individual lives, but necessarily lose out on collective endeavors. I grew up in a developing country where I still have an apartment that I rent out. By using WhatsApp, I have communicated with a neighbor I have never met. This person has hired and supervised contractors to get my apartment painted without my ever being present. She does not even know me, except that we both belong to the same apartment block mailing list! She trusted me and paid the contractors in advance for the materials. I, in turn, did not violate her trust and paid her back immediately. This is not the norm in my country, but this is definitely the kind of thing on a smaller scale that people do for each other. How different it is here, where we don’t even know our neighbors!
I hear you. I’m also from a developing country, and I’ve seen that kind of informal trust and care in action. But I do think this goes beyond Western culture now. Hyper-individualism is global, we’ve all started speaking the language of “boundaries” and “self-care” to justify disconnection. It’s not just cultural anymore. It’s contagious.
This is rage bait, but that's not the worst, the worse is that the author pretends to have a moral high ground and poses as an altruist because they show up when they do not want to, but this action in itself is also selfish, the author shows up because otherwise they would feel bad and so to avoid that, they do what they do not want to in order to feel better with themselves.
As everything in life, balance is key, it's ok to say no if you do not want to engage in a particular activity, it is also ok to participate in an activity that you do not want to in order to keep a relationship flourishing.
Oof! You came in swinging, and honestly, I respect a passionate take. 😂 But I think you may have misunderstood the core of what I was saying. I’m not claiming moral sainthood because I occasionally leave my house when I’d rather be horizontal. Of course there’s personal payoff, feeling good about doing good isn’t a crime. I’m just pushing back on how we’ve started treating any small inconvenience like it’s a violation of our soul contract. Not every act of care is performative martyrdom—sometimes it’s just… being in community. Boundaries are great, but we’ve turned them into electric fences.
All I’m saying is: maybe showing up isn’t always a betrayal of the self—sometimes it’s just being a decent human. That’s the whole essay. A gentle push, not a guilt trip.
Totally with you on the balance part though. And that’s actually the heart of what I was trying to say. The post wasn’t a commandment, just a messy reflection from someone who’s very much still in the grey.
No, OP is not selfish, she’s normal and she does have the moral high ground. Anti social recluses are inherently degenerate, and it’s societies right and duty to punish this behavior and drag them out of their comfort zones for their own good. You have no right to idleness and solitude . It’s bowling night and you’re coming, like it or not!!! 🇺🇸
My thoughts exactly. Some of us are fighting battles you have no idea about. For the author to be blanket calling us bitches is hurtful and cruel. Just because we refuse your social invitation.
Please be mindful of the disabled people reading this- those who are severely immunocompromised/homebound/bedridden and can’t actually go out and make friends and be a part of a community. Our community left us, it’s not the other way around.
yeah i wholly agree with rhe sentiments.. but isnt there a better word than bitch you could use? it's highly gendered and colours the whole piece with a women are the problem tone. to me, anyway.
this is something men and women are doing. cult of self. everything is about the self now. everything geared to self service its no wonder social mores have evolved to be uncomfortable with human interaction. especially the young.
some have never known the social life and therefore the skills that people of my age have enjoyed. they are not choosing...they dont know there is a choice.
Totally hear you, and honestly, I love that people are calling me out on this. It means people are aware of the gendered weight words can carry, and they’re thinking critically about it. I used “bitch” more as a cultural shorthand than a gendered one, but I get how it can land differently.
This isn’t about one gender, it’s about a wider shift toward hyper-individualism. The “cult of self,” like you said, has gotten so loud that some people genuinely don’t realize there’s another way to live. This self-centric model is all they’ve seen. And that’s exactly why we need to talk about it.
indeed. in the UK I think "bitch" still has a more literal and female connotation/ meaning than in the US where I think it's taken on a more "whinging selfish pain in the arse" generally applicable meaning
That’s exactly where I wrote it from, both sides. I’ve flaked and I’ve been flaked on. It’s a hug and a mirror, and I’m glad it landed that way for you
i’ve been thinking so much about the balance of being assertive with boundaries and also being communal and inconvenienced… i struggle with being codependent and feeling like i have no spine and like i let people walk all over me. and also i have swung the pendulum in the other direction at times too, and formed rigid boundaries, let myself cancel too many plans with no good reason (i have a chronic pain condition so sometimes cancelling last min is unavoidable). i think the lack of normal boundaries gives me compassion or community fatigue and then i burn out… and then go all in without boundaries all over again. finding a balance is so hard
This is such an honest reflection — and I really appreciate you sharing it. The pendulum swing is real, especially when you’ve lived at both extremes: boundary-less and boundary-walled. The truth is, real community does require discomfort and discernment. It’s not about abandoning boundaries, it’s about building ones that don’t isolate you. That balance is hard as hell, but you’re already doing the work by noticing the pattern.
I'm a bitch AND I'm disabled. And its hard to tell the difference. Showing up when I'm tired could easily become hospital bed for a week; but then if I don't show up who will be next to the hospital bed?
Whew yeah, that’s the tension exactly. That impossible math of protecting your body and still wanting to be someone who shows up. I don’t have a clean answer, but I really feel the weight of what you’re saying. It’s such a delicate line between self-preservation and connection, between saying “I can’t” and “I wish I could.” You’re not alone in wrestling with that balance.
Thank you so much, that means a lot. Honestly, “delightfully uncomfortable” is kind of my dream feedback. If it poked at something real, I’m glad it found you.
This makes me think of this idea I read, idk where. But basically before smart phones and ultra connected tech and social media, people were out there and at home you were actually completely alone/maybe with your family. This gives you a chance to WANT to go out and see people, because otherwise you just like. Read or do a puzzle. But now, you can scroll TikTok and instagram and text your friends, so you don’t ever feel that push to leave and go out. And you also don’t get the benefit of fully recharging, you’re, in some sense, ALWAYS around people. In some ways, the actual isolation of the home in the past was good bc it pushed people outside, but now there’s so much entertainment and so many simulacrums of connection people don’t feel that “push” that says “oh I’m lonely, I should go out.” People actually can feel socially burned out even when they’re completely alone!
That’s such an interesting take, and I totally agree. We’ve created a world where we’re never really alone, even when we are physically by ourselves. It’s like we’re constantly surrounded by other people’s lives through social media, and that can be draining without us realizing it. The lack of genuine solitude prevents us from recharging, and instead of pushing us to seek real connections, we’re just scrolling, which is kind of the worst of both worlds! We’re connected but not really connected.
I’m so torn on this. I agree, and I’ve been saying this to people in my circles for awhile, but they’re so genuinely put off by my framing it in a similar way. It’s forced me to use language that isn’t so accusatory when I acknowledge my similar feelings. Part of our isolation unfortunately I think is a part of the fight lately to barely keep our heads above the water while we navigate really scary financial time. At least it definitely seems that way in my friend groups. We work too damn much to see one another often. Idk. Just some of my immediate thoughts upon reading. Really loved how much this made me think and feel. I love when someone is as passionate about something as I am because LMAO we are dyingggg for community but it seems like nobody can handle any type of discomfort anymore and building community requires this!!!
I feel all of this. You’re so right—so much of the disconnection isn’t apathy, it’s burnout. Everyone’s in survival mode, working three jobs and a side hustle just to afford oat milk. I tried to come at it from a “me too, I’m in the mess with you” angle because I know how easy it is to slip into isolation. And you’re spot on about the language—sometimes even the truest thing won’t land if it doesn’t come wrapped in a little softness. I’m still learning how to say “hey maybe we need each other” without sounding like I’m delivering a TED Talk on friendship ethics. Thank you for sharing this, seriously.
This became a lot worse as millennials matured. It was less of a problem when it was harder to contact each other at any time. You had to delineate plans, it was much harder to duck them.
Absolutely. Flaking used to require effort, now it’s just a text and a Do Not Disturb mode. The easier it became to connect, the easier it became to disappear. Convenience killed commitment.
I hope this segment isn’t referred to people with mental illnesses that cancel plans, or stay home, or even isolate. Cause if you put them in this group of people, that would be very cold.
I hear you — and I want to be clear: this isn’t about people who are genuinely struggling with mental illnesses and doing their best. Everyone today deals with mental health issues to some degree — it’s part of being human in this world. But when mental illness becomes a blanket excuse for consistently selfish or careless behavior, that’s when it stops being about real struggle and starts being about avoidance. This piece calls out the difference. Real struggles deserve compassion. Excuses deserve honesty.
As someone who’s struggled with depression and had some pretty low moments, I’m gonna say, I think some pressure on mentally ill people to keep up community even when it’s hard is good for us and I think the narrative has gotten way too permissible about symptoms of isolation being accepted as the norm or even self care. I’ve learned to white knuckle my way to plans, hang out with friends even when I feel like a husk, and it is THE BEST thing I can do for my mental health. I’m doing so much better these days and I think it’s because I decided that the “normalize mentally ill people needing to cancel plans” idea wasn’t good for me, and I built a circle of friends even when it felt so fucking hard.
This is such a powerful take, thank you for sharing it. You’re not denying how heavy mental illness can be, but just naming that sometimes pushing through and showing up can be the thing that helps most. I totally agree we’ve started treating isolation as the norm, when for many of us, that just deepens the spiral.
I totally agree with this. In my lowest moments, isolating is actually NOT good for me. It prevents me from connecting with friends, from exercising my body—very important medicines in my toolkit. Yes, I do recognize when I'm just tired and my body needs rest, but I also have to discern that from depression's dark sticky lies.
Jorge, nearly everybody has some form of anxiety now. We don’t get to use our mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card for life.
Im not talking about general anxiety, and not everybody has anxiety. Actually that comment you just damages the image of people with high levels of anxiety. We have gotten to a point where it has been normalised to say “oh I have anxiety” when you are just nervous. I am referring to people with very high levels of anxiety or depression. I’m not saying it is good that they isolate, I just mean that it is normal because there brains in those moments may need that rest, or maybe they just CAN’T. Your comment was really tasteless. No, not everybody has anxiety. And I’m not defending isolation, I’m just saying that some of you lack empathy.
not to mention people with chronic physical illnesses, too !
While we all wish it were otherwise, obviously people with mental illnesses will not have community, they are defacto excluded by virtue of their condition. I believe this article is targeted towards normal people.
Sasha u worded that very weirdly
How's that?
I mean this in the nicest way: I’m a recovering bipolar schizo who had delusions of grandeur and thought that every human on earth was watching every move I made via livestream… I couldn’t go out for years and now that I’m almost a decade into recovery I go and hang out with friends as often as I can and try to do thoughtful things for them. That’s what exposure therapy is for in my opinion.
hey! i was just thinking about this. As i am trying to recover from the mysterious nonchalant overprotective girl, i like that this post is talking about how we are losing community because of "protecting your peace" trend. But i also understand the fact that this was even a trend in the first place is because of the marketed aesthetics of it, which misdirect healing from sincere, deep connection to completely abandoning the world and crumble in one's shelf.
"Community isn’t just about showing up for the people who we love. It’s showing up for strangers, for the people who annoy us, who might not always have their life together, who don’t always return the favor. But when they do, even in small, unexpected ways, it’s enough to remind you why it’s worth it."
learning this to be so very true!
This made me a bit uncomfortable and that’s the first step and acknowledging how much work I need to do. How much unlearning I have to do.
I really respect that you sat with the discomfort instead of running from it.
Growth always starts there, not in perfection, but in honesty.
Unlearning is messy and uncomfortable, but it’s also powerful. You’re already doing the hardest part: facing yourself without flinching. Keep going. The world needs more people willing to do that. :)
I'm writing my dissertation on this and it's really nice to know there's like-minded people who feel the same frustration. I hope others reading this will be able to start a nuanced conversation on how self-care can/should be the same as community care and that the powers that push us to be more individualistic only do it so we can be more easily controlled. xxx
omg it’s so cool that you’re writing your dissertation on this?! Love that. It’s honestly such a relief to know other people are feeling the same frustration. I really hope this does spark more convos about self-care and community care, and how all this hyper-independence stuff just makes it easier for systems to keep us isolated and quiet. Wishing you all the best with your writing, it sounds so important!
May I know which discipline it is you’re writing your dissertation under? This is very fascinating
I’m going to push back a bit here Mai. Your essay made me think and that’s good. I agree that we need community and that creating community deserves our attention, but as a natural introvert, I want to add some balance.
We come to this earth with only one thing - time. Our time belongs to us. Each of us has the right to choose how we spend our time. What may feel like important community building to you may feel like a waste of precious time to someone else.
This world is 75% extroverts and 25% introverts. What seems like selfishness to you might be crucial downtime for someone else.
It’s great to encourage community. We all need others to some degree, but to criticize those who choose to live a more solitary existence is, IMO, not your place.
Totally fair pushback, and I really appreciate you sharing it. I’m actually not anti-solitude at all and I know how crucial alone time can be.
The essay wasn’t about shaming people for choosing quiet lives. It was about how we’ve started to treat any discomfort or inconvenience as a betrayal of the self, even when it’s the kind that comes with meaningful connection.
It’s not about doing more. It’s about rethinking the stories we tell ourselves about showing up. Balance, solitude, and community can all coexist.
Great response! Thanks! I’m with you 100%.
“Introverts” don’t meaningfully exist, this is a nonsense identity invented by weak redditors to explain their social deficiencies. Building community doesn’t need to be loud, animated, constantly outgoing or any of the weird stereotyped redditors associate with “extroverts.”
It is in fact OPs place to criticize reclusive, anti social behavior and it’s fine and good if that pressures self identified “introverts” into socializing .
I love this. I am guilty of this. I am that bitch.
I feel really bad, riddled with guilt in fact.
I used to be so bubbly and full of life,you can find me at every event and function, always there for people. Until I went into a really bad depression and I have not entirely healed. Everyone now is a future disappointment, a new betrayal. I had so much hope and love and now I'm a skeptical on my best days.
Thank you for sharing this so vulnerably.
I want you to know that this wasn’t written to shame people who are healing. It’s for the version of us that gets stuck and calls it growth. There’s a difference between needing time and abandoning connection altogether. Healing deserves patience. But healing doesn’t mean we stop trying.
You are not alone. You’re not broken beyond repair. The fact that you still recognize your past light means it’s still in you. It’s not about forcing yourself to be everywhere all the time again, it’s about choosing, when you’re ready, to show up a little, and then a little more, until connection feels possible again.
In my opinion, this is a cultural (perhaps Western or perhaps just American) thing. The prioritization of the individual over the collective means that people can have very rich individual lives, but necessarily lose out on collective endeavors. I grew up in a developing country where I still have an apartment that I rent out. By using WhatsApp, I have communicated with a neighbor I have never met. This person has hired and supervised contractors to get my apartment painted without my ever being present. She does not even know me, except that we both belong to the same apartment block mailing list! She trusted me and paid the contractors in advance for the materials. I, in turn, did not violate her trust and paid her back immediately. This is not the norm in my country, but this is definitely the kind of thing on a smaller scale that people do for each other. How different it is here, where we don’t even know our neighbors!
I hear you. I’m also from a developing country, and I’ve seen that kind of informal trust and care in action. But I do think this goes beyond Western culture now. Hyper-individualism is global, we’ve all started speaking the language of “boundaries” and “self-care” to justify disconnection. It’s not just cultural anymore. It’s contagious.
This is rage bait, but that's not the worst, the worse is that the author pretends to have a moral high ground and poses as an altruist because they show up when they do not want to, but this action in itself is also selfish, the author shows up because otherwise they would feel bad and so to avoid that, they do what they do not want to in order to feel better with themselves.
As everything in life, balance is key, it's ok to say no if you do not want to engage in a particular activity, it is also ok to participate in an activity that you do not want to in order to keep a relationship flourishing.
Stop seeing things as either black or white.
Oof! You came in swinging, and honestly, I respect a passionate take. 😂 But I think you may have misunderstood the core of what I was saying. I’m not claiming moral sainthood because I occasionally leave my house when I’d rather be horizontal. Of course there’s personal payoff, feeling good about doing good isn’t a crime. I’m just pushing back on how we’ve started treating any small inconvenience like it’s a violation of our soul contract. Not every act of care is performative martyrdom—sometimes it’s just… being in community. Boundaries are great, but we’ve turned them into electric fences.
All I’m saying is: maybe showing up isn’t always a betrayal of the self—sometimes it’s just being a decent human. That’s the whole essay. A gentle push, not a guilt trip.
Totally with you on the balance part though. And that’s actually the heart of what I was trying to say. The post wasn’t a commandment, just a messy reflection from someone who’s very much still in the grey.
No, OP is not selfish, she’s normal and she does have the moral high ground. Anti social recluses are inherently degenerate, and it’s societies right and duty to punish this behavior and drag them out of their comfort zones for their own good. You have no right to idleness and solitude . It’s bowling night and you’re coming, like it or not!!! 🇺🇸
My thoughts exactly. Some of us are fighting battles you have no idea about. For the author to be blanket calling us bitches is hurtful and cruel. Just because we refuse your social invitation.
Please be mindful of the disabled people reading this- those who are severely immunocompromised/homebound/bedridden and can’t actually go out and make friends and be a part of a community. Our community left us, it’s not the other way around.
yeah i wholly agree with rhe sentiments.. but isnt there a better word than bitch you could use? it's highly gendered and colours the whole piece with a women are the problem tone. to me, anyway.
this is something men and women are doing. cult of self. everything is about the self now. everything geared to self service its no wonder social mores have evolved to be uncomfortable with human interaction. especially the young.
some have never known the social life and therefore the skills that people of my age have enjoyed. they are not choosing...they dont know there is a choice.
Totally hear you, and honestly, I love that people are calling me out on this. It means people are aware of the gendered weight words can carry, and they’re thinking critically about it. I used “bitch” more as a cultural shorthand than a gendered one, but I get how it can land differently.
This isn’t about one gender, it’s about a wider shift toward hyper-individualism. The “cult of self,” like you said, has gotten so loud that some people genuinely don’t realize there’s another way to live. This self-centric model is all they’ve seen. And that’s exactly why we need to talk about it.
indeed. in the UK I think "bitch" still has a more literal and female connotation/ meaning than in the US where I think it's taken on a more "whinging selfish pain in the arse" generally applicable meaning
This article was like a hug and a gut punch all at once because I’ve been in both places
That’s exactly where I wrote it from, both sides. I’ve flaked and I’ve been flaked on. It’s a hug and a mirror, and I’m glad it landed that way for you
i’ve been thinking so much about the balance of being assertive with boundaries and also being communal and inconvenienced… i struggle with being codependent and feeling like i have no spine and like i let people walk all over me. and also i have swung the pendulum in the other direction at times too, and formed rigid boundaries, let myself cancel too many plans with no good reason (i have a chronic pain condition so sometimes cancelling last min is unavoidable). i think the lack of normal boundaries gives me compassion or community fatigue and then i burn out… and then go all in without boundaries all over again. finding a balance is so hard
This is such an honest reflection — and I really appreciate you sharing it. The pendulum swing is real, especially when you’ve lived at both extremes: boundary-less and boundary-walled. The truth is, real community does require discomfort and discernment. It’s not about abandoning boundaries, it’s about building ones that don’t isolate you. That balance is hard as hell, but you’re already doing the work by noticing the pattern.
I'm a bitch AND I'm disabled. And its hard to tell the difference. Showing up when I'm tired could easily become hospital bed for a week; but then if I don't show up who will be next to the hospital bed?
Whew yeah, that’s the tension exactly. That impossible math of protecting your body and still wanting to be someone who shows up. I don’t have a clean answer, but I really feel the weight of what you’re saying. It’s such a delicate line between self-preservation and connection, between saying “I can’t” and “I wish I could.” You’re not alone in wrestling with that balance.
holy shit dude what a brilliant read. had a visceral reaction in my chest, was so delightfully uncomfortable the whole time. kudos
Thank you so much, that means a lot. Honestly, “delightfully uncomfortable” is kind of my dream feedback. If it poked at something real, I’m glad it found you.
This makes me think of this idea I read, idk where. But basically before smart phones and ultra connected tech and social media, people were out there and at home you were actually completely alone/maybe with your family. This gives you a chance to WANT to go out and see people, because otherwise you just like. Read or do a puzzle. But now, you can scroll TikTok and instagram and text your friends, so you don’t ever feel that push to leave and go out. And you also don’t get the benefit of fully recharging, you’re, in some sense, ALWAYS around people. In some ways, the actual isolation of the home in the past was good bc it pushed people outside, but now there’s so much entertainment and so many simulacrums of connection people don’t feel that “push” that says “oh I’m lonely, I should go out.” People actually can feel socially burned out even when they’re completely alone!
That’s such an interesting take, and I totally agree. We’ve created a world where we’re never really alone, even when we are physically by ourselves. It’s like we’re constantly surrounded by other people’s lives through social media, and that can be draining without us realizing it. The lack of genuine solitude prevents us from recharging, and instead of pushing us to seek real connections, we’re just scrolling, which is kind of the worst of both worlds! We’re connected but not really connected.
I’m so torn on this. I agree, and I’ve been saying this to people in my circles for awhile, but they’re so genuinely put off by my framing it in a similar way. It’s forced me to use language that isn’t so accusatory when I acknowledge my similar feelings. Part of our isolation unfortunately I think is a part of the fight lately to barely keep our heads above the water while we navigate really scary financial time. At least it definitely seems that way in my friend groups. We work too damn much to see one another often. Idk. Just some of my immediate thoughts upon reading. Really loved how much this made me think and feel. I love when someone is as passionate about something as I am because LMAO we are dyingggg for community but it seems like nobody can handle any type of discomfort anymore and building community requires this!!!
I feel all of this. You’re so right—so much of the disconnection isn’t apathy, it’s burnout. Everyone’s in survival mode, working three jobs and a side hustle just to afford oat milk. I tried to come at it from a “me too, I’m in the mess with you” angle because I know how easy it is to slip into isolation. And you’re spot on about the language—sometimes even the truest thing won’t land if it doesn’t come wrapped in a little softness. I’m still learning how to say “hey maybe we need each other” without sounding like I’m delivering a TED Talk on friendship ethics. Thank you for sharing this, seriously.
I speak in TED talk and I know it’s so exhausting for everyone around me lol
This became a lot worse as millennials matured. It was less of a problem when it was harder to contact each other at any time. You had to delineate plans, it was much harder to duck them.
Absolutely. Flaking used to require effort, now it’s just a text and a Do Not Disturb mode. The easier it became to connect, the easier it became to disappear. Convenience killed commitment.
That goes both ways. It was also harder to demand anyone’s attention at any time.